Ron Edward's Cocktail Page

Good day to you dear reader and welcome to my humble bar where I will be whipping up some of my favourite tipples. Before I begin, let me just whet the appetite with a swiftie..........

<sound-effect of a 'Party 7' being opened with the scream of Jenny in the background complaining about the mess>

......... Ahhhh   <brrrraaaaaaaaauuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrpppppppppppp> that's better. Now, here is my favourite little number that I use as a pre-Sunday hockey warmup..........

The 'Rocket Special'

Ingredients:

1/4 pint Grenadine, 2 fl. Oz. Port, 2 tbs. Brandy, 3 Pts. Bass

Method:

Pour the 3 Pts. Bass into a jug.... allow to settle. Meanwhile, fold the Port into the Grenadine, whilst sinking the Brandy yourself. Allow 1 minute for the bubbles to settle, serve the Grenadine/Port mixture to the wife and keep the Bass to yourself.

Repeat carefully until the wife falls asleep, then repeat anyway !

You may get the impression that I like Bass ? Although not strictly a cocktail, it has that warm glowing feeling as it trickles down the throat accompanied by that unforgettable aftertaste not unlike bile. For those who may have over-indulged on a Friday night and have then engaged in an extended conversation with the big, white telephone, you know what I am talking about. Once the stomach has disgorged its contents, the brain for some reason keeps trying to empty something that is already empty. As a result, the good old liver pipes in and tries to fill the vacuum !! - how thoughtful !! Anyway, the empty stomach is an ideal starting point for my next concoction..............

The 'Have you ever been to a Harvester before' surprise

Ingredients:

3 Pts. London Pride, 1 Pt. Bass, 1 Bottle Cider, 1 Red Wine, 1 Bag of pound-coins,

Distribute the drinks amongst current company but remember to keep the Bass for yourself. It is time to buy the next round once the full bag of twenty one-pound coins has loafed it's way through the guts of the quiz-machine.

This is the most expensive cocktail in my repertoire as, despite much practice while waiting for various trains, I am still unable to answer any questions on the quiz-machine apart from History and Science. Thankfully, this cocktail is now obselete as the quiz machine has been replaced by yet another fruit-machine..... maybe the staff saw my plight. The extra money now goes to buying more of the ingredients for the next item............

The 'Friday-Evening Special'

Ingredients:

1 Plaster (save for later), 3 pints of Devizes brewery's 'Headfu**er'

Start drinking the beer. If you can finish the three pints without an incoherent letch at the barmaid or a visit to the gents then you have won the game and may revert to Bass. Otherwise, you have to repeat until that blasted bell rings !

Leave pub and apply plaster shortly afterwards !

That concludes my latest serial of my favourite mixes......... remember, don't try this at home unless you want some wine to go with it....... that is 'whine' from the wife !!

Cheersshhhh !!

Ron