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'From Riches to Rags'(narrated by James Collins and based on his own true story) |
| "I was taught at a very early age never to answer back as this was very harmful but as time wore on I got used to the pain and then began to enjoy it. I was sent to Eton at the age of 5. With the help of my massive wad, I was able to buy my way through prep. and out of matins on a Sunday. The prefects were a bit nasty though as I couldn't, and still can't, cook toast without burning it! Despite the flood of fivers and the promise that I would get it done properly next week, I got used to the sight of the parquet floor in the chapel quite well !!! However, it has its benefits as it takes a humungous curry to sting a ring the size of the one that I have now !!" |  |
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"I took refuge after leaving Eton (prematurely as my house-master discovered that I'd spent the entire first year of my sixth form doing nothing but trying to get it on with matron!) with Express dairies as I heard that it was a guaranteed way to meet people in dressing-gowns. I survived for three months before the level of calcium-deficiency in the area was traced back to fact that I had done sod-all apart from selling 1500 pints of milk to McDonalds in return for the favours of some moose from behind the counter !" |
| "After a break of two years during which I mal-adjusted back to life in the fast line, I ended up taking a job in Spectrum in return for a fag that was given to me by some bloke called Mike Baker. I have never looked back since as that is what I was taught at school otherwise I would get an extra session by the rest of the prefects! Life is not too bad but I am running out of excuses for non-performance !!......... at least I seem to be getting the hang of being heterosexual !!">>>>>>>>> |  |