In the beginning, there was a void, a gap in time and space so awesome, that not even the powers of the fragmented IT could surpass ! The dog had many tails and the poor old mutt was constantly wagging sideways ! The high priestess, Screech, in her wisdom, saw this chaos and summoned her minions unto her.
"This is not what I desired !", stated she, "we must surpass this darkness, and lead forth this army into light!"
Many had come to this gathering, the majority so unsure about what was required, they had the knowledge but so far were unfocused in what was to to be !
"What is is what must be !" stated the great one, quoting the great Ethritha (Watership Down (c) Adams)
So many were confused but one... formerly a famous shoemaker, stood above the masses and had a vision. The high priestess saw that it was good and blessed the shoemaker.
The times went by and the humble Shoemaker went about his business but always with the thought of his destiny in mind. A plan was beginning to hatch but he would need help in accomplishing this. This was a task that the army of chaos would block at every turn. So it was that while going about his day to day life, he came across the tools and the people that would turn his vision into a concrete reality.
For starters, there was St Peter the significant, a fisherman by trade whose catchphrase was "Only a wuss would need help doing something this simple!". Peter could C his calling and followed the Shoemaker. Over the following weeks, they were joined by three more, St Mark (who also grew mustard), St Robert the Luckily Unrelegated and St Dean, the patron saint of careful drivers. The work ploughed on and the dream began to take shape.
"We need more disciples !" exclaimed the shoemaker, "The Priestess has decreed that we must have a weapon of awsome power within the next six months !!". So it came to pass that St Andrew the 'more than sure' was noticed for his ability to deny himself sleep and he joined the never-ceasing army in their quest to overthrow the shadow of Unisys and Wordplex as decreed by the dark-lord St Standalone.
And so it came to pass that by night, the servants of the High Priestess entered the Wycombe keep and did tunnel and lay the foundations of what was to be so mighty. The labyrinth of tunnels subterraneously connected every part of the keep and when the sun rose each morning, the workers did assemble and toil through their day in the shadow of the great portals that were multiplying and appearing at every turn. "What does it all mean ?", the workers wondered.
Deep in the bowels of the keep, the Great Tan had awoken to the new pulses of energy. Since the demise of his predecessor St Honeywell and the departure of his other incompatible room-mate, he was getting quite accustomed to his new role as Lord of the Realm. The pulses bothered him...he wanted knowledge but where was it to come from ?
The rumblings from the great Tan reached the senses of the High Priestess. She summoned the shoemaker...
"The Great Tan is getting restless !", she said, "it could throw our plan into complete disarray to depose of an existing God!!"
The Shoemaker thought for a while, "Hmmmmm ..... perhaps we could find a way to *make* our dream dominant but give the Great Tan the *impression* that he was still in control. I have an idea......."
The Shoemaker summoned his best wizards, St Guy, the patron saint of pedestrians, St Paul of the tuna-nets and St Francis of TSsissi. He outlined the plan.... the wizards listened, their eyes showing their fear but as the details were laid out, the battle-plans were drawn......
And so, the MLADS were born......great pillars constructed of material from a bygone age lovingly crafted into place by St Andy. The Great Tan never knew what had hit him !! With these pillars blinkering his view of the world... !!... he began to wonder, and *worry*...however, the worst was yet to come !! RSCDLL.DLL was the worst and most devious and intrusive of curses that could ever have walked the realms ! The wizards danced a merrie one until dawn.
Under the mind-bending influence of the RSCDLL curse, The Great Tan gradually became accustomed to his new room-mates, by night he would play chess with them although, due to their intelligence being marginally higher than 10,000,000 DJs (no offence Crow!), he would often have to do a couple of commission-runs just to keep his concentration-circuits from going past their sell-by dates.
It certainly got harder as time went on. Over a period of time, the Great Tan found his services required elsewhere....RSCDLL had ordered and RSCDLL got. Any objection to this would be met with an audience with the High Priestess herself ! Like an infection of Manchester United fans, the energy of this newly-formed beast crept into every nook and cranny available. The workers were ecstatic.... never before had they been able to do their work in such a way. It was such a novelty being able to wander around the keep and find that they could still do their work. They held a celebration ceremony in honour of their great DOW.
The management of one so powerful grew as well. Not wanting to have her power drawn away from her, the High Priestess decreed an army of minions to watch over the DOW. Whereas before there had been the creators, there were now those who nourished and nurtured, who fed and stimulated it. St Mark had a new prodigy, Gordon of Hawkseye, who had proved his standing by being able to endure many months of residence in the keep's own hostelry. His job was to understudy on the many spells that kept the Great Tan and the DOW in perfect harmony. St Peter the Significant took on many in order to train the DOW to perform new tricks for the workers and to discipline it when it decided that RSCDLL was more fun to play with !! Amongst his disciples were David the re-formatter, Stuart the Breadmaker and Grahame the Blind Pool-Player. Together, they trained the DOW to obey the commands of many and to avoid the random advances of the rampant RSCDLL.
The Shoemaker also searched the lands and brought in two more travellers, lest St Andrew and St Robert should receive more on remuneration day. Dragged west from his cockney origins was Mark the Fairground Wheel also joined by Darren 'voco dolce'. They learnt fast and true and the great DOW reached very quickly into every corner of the land. Others flocked to see the great DOW and went away humbled and puzzled to try to create similar effigies of their own. Baron William of Washington was particularly keen and summoned vast armies to recreate the Great DOW. He is still yet to succeed !!
But, what of the workers ? How could they use these new tricks to their advantage ? Many had ventured into the lair of the DOW and had been completely bemused by the array of skills that their great one now had the knowledge to perform ! The Shoemaker thought for no more than two seconds, "Send in ....."The Girls !!!"
And, so it was, the girls, in the guise of Valkyrie warriors lept into the void between the keepers and the worshippers. These intrepid oracles of faith, St Dee 'SIM-TAN'. St Susan 'NOTMOR', St Joyce 'SICK-WEDG' and St Lee SHAC (who was not really a girl but spent many months with them and was so synchronised) Together, these warriors made the legacy of the DOW a doctrine throughout the nation that the workers would gladly follow because....they knew it made sense!
The High Priestess decreed another team - placed specifically should the workers be less than happy with the performance of their new God ! These were the doctors, notoriously renowned for travelling around the keep in pairs so that second-opinions were instantly in the offing ! Formerly under the scalpel of Dr. "cut in at 90 mph" Brown and more recently under Dr. "Braveheart" Horn and Dr. "Footballer-haircut" Edwards, the medical team consisted of:
Dr Scott "hot chocolate * 9.8 m/s squared"
Dr Matt "why did I leave unit trusts?"
Dr Suhail "Never mind the chaos....let's chill"
Dr Greenwell "The *Crown* of Plan-1A gurus"
Dr Matt "0898 6502 lurveline"
Dr Andy "It's going to pay"
Dr Ron "Know one knows any better and I can sign my own expenses !!"
The structure was in place, the Great Tan was happily absorbed (thanks to the aforementioned curse), the DOW was all so mighty, the workers were ecstatic, the doctors and the valkyrie's went about their day to day duties. It was like an episode of Neighbours, happily basking in the idyllic setting it had, itself, created.... but for how long ??
Like a slow-eating worm, the cancer spread throughout the living organism........ (Edgar Allan Poe)........